There are so many things come into my mind as I try to remember and reflect on my three years journey with Alex. There are many memories that bring smile on my face, but there are also reflections that bring regrets in my heart.
Having the opportunity to spend and share my life with him, makes me grateful and joyful. I believe that it was not by accident that he was born in our family and as his parent, I am not only here to teach him but also to learn from him.
I can still remember how excited and anxious I was when he was just born. My mind was full of questions and doubts if I was doing the right things. “Will I be able to breastfeed?” “Does he drink enough milk?” “Can I change his diapers without causing urinary track infection?” “Do I change his diaper frequent enough?” “Does he has enough sleep?” “Why does he sleeps for so long?” And it went on and on…
Our first few weeks was tough, especially the breastfeeding part. He refused to wake up and latch on, and I refused to give up and give in. We fought and struggled. He cried…and so did I. The battle went on for two weeks before he managed to breastfeed regularly. We were tired, weary and had countless sleepless nights, but he taught me to strive and persevere.
He made me realize that motherhood was not always sweet, lovely, and fun, like what I always thought and saw in the pictures. In reality, it can actually be exhausting, laborious, and tiresome. And I sure will go crazy if I lean on myself. He taught me about humility, that I should lean on God alone, and that I can do nothing apart from Him.
He also taught me about love and how to love, which I’ve failed so many times. I failed to love when he refused to do what I want him to, I failed to love when he did not reach my expectations, and I failed to love when he did not make me proud and boost my selfish pride. I failed countless times…and I regretted it.
There are so many things that I learnt in the past three years living together with Alex, but yet I have to admit that I am still far from being a perfect mother. Deep inside my heart, I know that I won’t be able to become one and he does not need one, either.
However, I promise that I will always strive to be a better person, and be a good mother for him, in God’s grace and mercy.